Flashback Friday - stupid college stuff

The inspiration for this week's Flashback Friday is not necessarily happy, but it has been on my mind. Several times over the last few months I have woken up in a great deal of pain (see previous blog - my rude awakening) and Monday it happened again. I decided to go to a new chiropractor, one that my friend Josie recommended. He did a nerve test and x-rays, but didn't want to adjust me untill he could look at the results and know what he was doing. So, I went home and slept most of the rest of the day. Amazingly enough, my muscles calmed down enough for me to enjoy Christmas.

We went back on Wednesday to review the results - I'm broken! Almost every nerve at the top of my back and neck are severely affected and my back and neck are all out of whack. At one point he asked what I did to get like this. I didn't think of what it was until later.....

My first year in college the institute was having some sort of get together and all my roommates and I decided to go. For some strange reason, a few of us decided to climb in the back of Christy's truck, standing. She turned onto the street for the institute and I saw some of my friends and was saying hi, not paying attention to the fact that she found a good parking spot in front. She turned, I realized what was going on, and made the quick decision to jump rather than fall on my head. I was wearing sandals with absolutely no traction. I promptly did the splits and to this day have matching scars on the inside of my ankles and my knees from scraping the asphalt - those socks were shot! Someone took me home to get cleaned up although I don't think I really did a good job. Those sores on my ankles got very infected.

A few weeks later (I believe it was Easter) I was home and we were having a family get-together and my aunt Denise's restaurant. I really noticed having issues with my back that I don't ever remember having prior. When I went back down to school I started going to the chiropractor. I went for the rest of the year, and most of the next year. He was the only one in town and, looking back, I wonder how much he really helped me because I have had issues since then.

I guess the moral of this story is don't do stupid stuff like stand in the back of a moving truck.

Flashback Friday - Christmas Traditions

My sister Britta posted her Flashback Friday and it was so complete I asked if I could send people to her blog. She said "Sure, you can even copy and paste it if you want." So I did, with a few changes. Thanks Britta!

On Christmas Eve night, we always read the story of when Christ was born. All season, my mom had her nativity figures on the piano, but she kept baby Jesus hidden. As we read the story from the scriptures, we would put the baby in the stable, to symbolize that being the night of his birth. Then we had family prayer, picked a spot on the furniture for our stockings, then went to bed. Now, going to bed was not necessarily going to sleep. The excitement was always tremendous. One year, Britta and I couldn't sleep, and we decided to both sleep on the top bunk - my bed. This became our little tradition for a couple more years, until we were too big and it was too uncomfortable.

My mom is a nurse, and she almost always worked on Christmas Eve until 7 am Christmas morning, but she usually didn't get home until closer to 8. We weren't allowed to look at our presents until she got home. Until I was about 10, we had the presents in the living room, which you could see from the stairs coming up from my room. So we had to stay in the basement. Around my 11th birthday, my parents added on to the house, building a room above the garage. This made it easier to hide the presents, but until we were a little older, we still had to wait downstairs because it was too tempting to take a peek behind the blanket covering the doorway. My youngest brothers were escorted downstairs to wait with us until she got home. I remember meeting in Amanda and Ranna's room to play games and peeking out the window watching for our mother to come home - Britta and I shared a room which was in the back of the house. Dirk and Eric were old enough to want to stay in bed as long as possible, but the rest of us would huddle together, squealing with excitement. Even when she got home we had to wait a few minutes for mom and dad to hug and kiss and for them to come down and tell us it was okay.

One of our favorite things on Christmas morning was breakfast. We all got to pick our own box of cereal to eat that morning. The entire box was our own, and we only shared if we wanted to, which we frequently did. It was always a big decision to make when my mom asked what kind we wanted. As soon as my mom got home, we broke open the Christmas cereal, and ate as a family. This was my mom's sneaky trick to make sure we ate something healthy before attacking the candy. Thinking about these breakfasts brings back many fond memories. There was rarely a time besides Christmas morning with quite so much laughter and love in our house.

Me, Britta (in front), Ranna (in back), Amanda, Mom

After everyone was done eating, we lined up, oldest to youngest. We waited while my dad took the camera upstairs, exclaiming over the wonderful surprises, teasing us with his new knowledge of what Santa brought. We'd finally file upstairs when the blanket was removed, and rushed to our stockings. There was usually one present from Santa under the tree (Santa always left his unused wrapping paper in the kitchen for us to finish off next year), but the rest was unwrapped next to our stockings. Oooing and ahhhing over our gifts and showing them off to everyone else took several minutes. Then we gathered around the tree to find some more treasures. We would grab one gift and wait for everyone to have one, then open them all at the same time.

Dirk, Eric, Britta, Me

Mom, Joel, Me (the dark hair hiding behind the chair), Britta (in the stripes), Amanda (kneeling), Seth (hiding behind the tree)

We always drew names, then went to the mall together for Family Home Evening one night before Christmas. My mom split us up as best she could so she took half and my dad took half as we searched for the perfect gift for the person we drew, without letting the person in question see what this perfect gift was. This sometimes took some creativity because it didn't always work out perfectly when splitting in 2 groups - we frequently had triads. The triads required meeting in the middle to swap people. These gifts were under the tree, and were often some of the favorites.

After everything was opened, we played with our gifts for a while before heading off to Grandma's house. We usually went to my mom's parents' house in West Valley first for a while, then drove to Coalville to my dad's parents' house. By the end of the day, we were exhausted, but content. And we had the day after Christmas to look forward to, when we ate more cereal, candy from the stockings, and played with our new gifts most of the day.

This was at my mom's family Christmas party 2 years ago. We have added 4 kids since then! The adults were still expected to sit on Santa's lap until just a few years ago.

I have very fond memories of spending Christmas with my family. I love them all dearly and look forward to seeing them all in a few days for another Christmas together.

My Life Story

I pulled my first question out of my jar:

Did you have roommates? Tell about them and the things you learned living with others (besides your immediate family).

I went to Snow College right after high school. Two of my friends from high school and I went down one weekend and found a place together. We found a place called The Rez. It had two separate apartments, one on top and one on bottom, both had four bedrooms and two bathrooms. So, I was one of 8 girls in my apartment. I shared with someone I didn't know before the school year, Dori. She was a lot of fun but would stay with her mom or dad each weekend because she worked and sometimes during the week. We really didn't see her much because of this. She also graduated after the Winter quarter so I had my own room for the Spring quarter. This was the first time in my life I had my own room and I loved it!

One of the funny things about our apartment was apparently the girls who lived there the year prior apparently caused a lot of trouble. The police were called out due to domestic issues over who owned a bottle of catsup. Compared to them, we were all angels and even if we broke the rules, the landlords really didn't seem to care. They really liked us, even though they lived right next door and saw everything we did.

The second year I chose to live in the same place, same room. This time I knew my roommate from the year before. She was on my colorguard. She worked a lot too, but we still had fun. She left after Fall quarter, so I had my own room for Winter quarter. But, my best friend, Angela, came down for Spring quarter and shared a room with me. That was an interesting quarter. That is when I met Kenyon...that is another story!

One of the biggest things I learned was needing to be tolerant of others and their space. There were several times when I would be tired and would go to bed even though several of "the guys" were over visiting. There were times when I felt that I got along very well with my roommates, and other times I felt very left out. I had my own group of friends that I would go and hang out with, leaving to start playing at times when some were going to bed.

I also learned that no matter how close you are as friends, sometimes it really isn't a good idea to live together. I do not keep in touch with the two friends from high school that lived in that apartment with me, mostly my choice.

I loved my years at Snow, and looking back see them as some of the best years of my life, truly. Sometimes I wish I could do them again, and not necessarily any different. Even relationships that didn't work out taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself and what true friendships really are. I am grateful for the few very good friends I have. I may not have been extremely popular, but I always felt that I had someone I could confide in.

New blog

I have started a new blog. This blog is specifically for things of a spiritual nature.

If anyone is interested, the address is http://journalcharlene.blogspot.com/

Flashback Friday - growing families

It's time for my first addition to my Flashback Friday blog. I've been thinking quite a bit about what to write about over the last week and didn't have anything...until tonight while I was babysitting my nephew Zack. He is my sister Amanda's son and just turned 2 last week.

I started thinking about the other nieces and nephews I have. I didn't have any until Steve and I got married and then all of a sudden I had 5 nephews and one on the way, all on Steve's side of course. At that time, only my sister Britta was married and they didn't have any children yet.
A month after we got married, my brother Dirk married Sarina, and we got Anna. Anna was 2 when they got married, and seemed to take to our family very quickly. This was a fun time as there were no other grandchildren, so Anna was very spoiled!

We have been married for 6 1/2 years now and Steve's parents have about 16 grandchildren, all boys except for 2, and my parents have 8 grandchildren, 4 boys and 4 girls. As my sister Britta pointed out, this matches my parent's 8 children, 4 boys and 4 girls. Some of Steve's siblings are done having children while others are really just starting their families. The oldest grandchild on his side is in high school while the youngest is about 2 months old. On my side, everyone is at beginning. We have Anna at 8 and now Samantha at three weeks or so.

My nieces and nephews mean a lot to me and are a lot of fun. Some of them we don't see often, for different reasons. But when we do see them, sometimes I think I get along better with them than some of the adults!

My Life Story

My sister recently started a blog about her family. She writes something daily and was recently commenting on my blog, and how I don't really post many. Then she remembered one big difference between her life and mine. She has two kids, while I have none. Most of her blogs are about her kids. But this made me want to write more blogs...but about what?

In addition to her family blog, she started a side blog called "My Life Story". She has a list of questions that she can answer one at a time. She asked me if I would like a copy of the questions and I really think it sounds like a great idea, so I am going to do so. She also does "Flashback Friday". In this she writes about anything from her past that comes to mind. The last two weeks have been the births of her two children. Before that a childhood activity that we used to spend hours on. I think that sounds fun as well.

But.......

I am to tired too start it tonight. But watch for it, it will be soon!

Holiday Music

Have you ever noticed that a little bit of Christmas music can change your mood? I didn't say it always lightens the mood, although that is typically what it does for me. See, my sister works in retail. After Thanksgiving, that is all that is played in the store. She gets to the point that if a certain song is part of the music that is played all day long, she gets sick of it and becomes instantly annoyed when she hears it outside of work.

Me, I love Christmas music. However, I am very picky about my yuletide tunes. I have my favorites and don't think that just every artist should do a Christmas album. Certain versions of songs rather bug me...like Mannheim Steamroller's underwhelming version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I love Mannheim Steamroller and have two of their cds. But I won't buy the one with Rudolph because it bothers me so much.

Currently though, I am thoroughly enjoying my sister's choice in merry music. Much better than my playlist...I just didn't know about some of the songs, or just forgot about them to search for them. She has a blog that she adds too faithfully and so I checked to see if she had added anything today. The music caught me pretty quickly and so I have kept it playing in the background. Tonight it speaks to my soul and brings me peace, which I need after a busy day.

Earlier, I was in a much more playful mood and was listening to How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Looney Tunes Christmas. My parents have a fabulous (an very obscure) album called Christmas Fun Songs. It is so much fun and very silly with songs like Santa Claus Got Stuck in the Chimney, Santa Caught a Cold on Christmas Eve and Monster Holiday (kind of like Monster Mash). In addition to the Chipmunks and Scooby Doo Christmas albums we grew up with it is a lot of fun when we turn on the Christmas music at my parent's house.

The music is one of my favorite things about Christmas. It brings the spirit of the season to my mind and joy to my heart.

I am a changed woman!

My life has changed forever!

Several months ago I found a product that might help in my miserable food restrictions. It is enzymes that are supposed to aid in the digestion of gluten and casein (dairy mostly) products. It is $20 for 60 capsules and at the time I did not feel I dared try it. The effects of its possible ineffeciency could be disastrous. You see, I have not "cheated" and knowingly eaten something I know would make me sick just because I miss it. It has been very difficult at times, but it simply is not worth the pain. In 3 years since my diagnosis I have not had anything that was obviously off limits. Not even a small cookie. Crumbs from croutons on my salad make me sick.

Friday night I felt adventurous. I was already planning on staying home as much as possible. If I tried it and got sick I had a few days to recover. I felt the benefits made the risk worth it. The only place I have found it so far is Harmons on 5400 S and Redwood Road. Right next door is a Sconecutter. I love Sconecutter and have dearly missed it. This was the night....

I don't know what is in those capsules, but I now vow to never be without some. I had more energy at the end of the night, after "cheating", than I did the rest of the entire day. It was so liberating and exciting! I could not stop talking, dancing and singing! I felt so alive and so new, and really have for most of the weekend. I have eaten more gluten this weekend than everything combined since my diagnosis, and I am not sick in bed!

This does not mean I can eat as much as I want of whatever I want. This weekend has been an exception. This does mean I do not have to feel the wretched anxiety surrounding social gatherings with food. This does mean that I can have what I want on special occasions. I do still feel some effects if I simply over-do it, but they are so not anything like a straight up exposure.

To some of you, this may seem so trivial. But my risk and my experiment has benefitted many people I know. This was such pure joy for me to share! In sharing it with my mother, who also has issues, describing the delicacy of Sconecutter needed few words. Upon receiving the news, my cousin exclaimed "Honey, we're going out to dinner tonight!" and "I've got so many people to call!"

As I said earlier, my life has changed forever. My psychological and emotional life looks much brighter, as well as my diet. Who knows, maybe the energy I experienced this weekend is much more than mental. I am very excited about seeing the continued benefits.

I think I can, I think I can....random thoughts

Have you ever had a day that you started by saying "I think I can (insert whatever here)"? Mine is most frequently I think I can...get out of bed. Most of the time it works. Then I am able to do whatever needs to be done and somehow getting out of bed didn't seem that bad, or was the easy part of the day.

I have started saying "I think I can" more often and about more things than just getting out of bed. It has really changed my mindset on several things. Now I am not saying I have all good days, not that by any means. It has helped to lower my stress level and also get through some really emotional issues. I have been able to help someone else who needed it and forget about my miserable worries (that too easily consume me). I have been able to smile, laugh and love more.

Speaking of love, can I just say that I love my family? I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. If I have an issue, I can take it to them and work it out somehow. There might be tears, and there is defintely emotions, but we work it out in the best way we know how. Sometimes this is honestly let it drop and give it time and other times we step in for someone else who is either too afraid or not ready to speak their mind right at that moment (a rare occasion, I promise).

So what do you do when someone you truly care about is having a difficult time and nothing you say or do can really change anything? Is this where "I think I can" comes in? I think I can be there for that person, no matter what happens. I think I can love that person with everything I've got. I think I can show that person life is good and worth plugging on. What happens if I need someone while I am there for them? Do I just fall apart trying to keep them together or do I drop them to keep myself together?

This is one of my weak strengths. You know, one of those qualities that makes a difference for other people but that is focused on so much that something else suffers. You see, I am loyal to a fault. It really takes something earth-shattering for me to consider someone once a friend otherwise. When one of my friends is in trouble or needs me, I am there, sometimes even when I need one myself.

So, I think I can...be my own friend. It makes sense. If I take care of my friends, and I am my own friend, I will take care of myself.

Richard Marx Concert

Monday night I had the wonderful privilege (in my opinion) to go to the Richard Marx concert in Orem. He is my favorite artist by far. In my personal opinion, I believe that he is a very under-rated artist and is not nearly as well known as he should be. Very few people know that he has written and produced very popular songs for several very popular artists covering several genres.

My sister Ranna and my friend Buffy went with me. Ranna has a few albums, the Greatest Hits (from the first 4 albums) and the newest one, which meant she knew almost all the songs played. Buffy only knew what was played on the radio, so basically the earlier stuff. Regardless of how much they knew it was a fun show. No major special effects, just great music and a great entertainer. He had great stories to share and was quite comedic.

I won't bore people with the details of the songs played. Let's just say I want the live versions! He is working on at least one new album (possibly 2) and played one of his new songs. LOVED IT!

One of these days I will have enough money to have a private concert....

Life long friends

Today started out as the day I could finally relax at work...as soon as I cleaned up from Family Fun Night (which went very well last night, thank you very much). It changed when Martha (a co-worker and friend) offered me a ticket to Erin's Slumber Party downtown, sponsored by B98.7. Frankly, I don't listen to the station, but it sounded fun and relaxing. Massages and pedicures with as much food and chocolate as we could eat and a good excuse to go out in public in my pajamas? Just the thing I needed after this so far very busy month, three events in three weeks is not an easy thing to pull off. Anyway, the first person I thought of was Angela, my best friend since high school. This was just the thing she needed as well, not to mention a really good excuse to get her out of the house. Not something that is very easy to do, especially the day of.

When we got there, we drove around the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to find a spot as someone left. That was frustrating. We got in there and got our free tote and realized just how many people were there. It was really stuffy. I ran into a few people I know (yes Steve I know, you can't take me anywhere), one who is a former co-worker and I haven't seen for about 5 years.

We quickly discovered that all the services were $5 a piece (a fabulous deal, but I understood free so therefore did not have any money with me) so that changed some plans. We found the food and the chocolate...wandered and looked at several of the booths for the vendors there (just about anything you could think of) and then quickly decided it was too noisy and too crowded, so we left to do our own pedicures at my house. After all, she was able to get away from the kids for a while and her husband didn't expect her home for quite a while.

Well, the pedicure didn't happen. We started talking. This has always interupted some things, although I can't complain. It was one of the most enjoyable evenings I have had in a long time. We talked about our teenage and college years, old loves and old boyfriends (yes they are different) and about "Those who must not be named".

It was wonderful to be reminded of the blessing of true friendships. Those friends that know your deepest, darkest secrets and stand by you regardless. There is something amazing about having a friendship that promotes conversation that flows seamlessly from those dark secrets and the healing so desperately needed to laughter and those crazy teenage moments. But I have to say my favorite part of the evening was simply driving down the freeway listening to old Bon Jovi songs and singing at the top of our lungs, just like we did when we were 17.

Unfortunately life and responsibility hit us again, and too soon for my preference. She has to work in the morning and I got home and realized how far from 17 I am.

But it was sure a good time while it lasted. I am so blessed to have the two close childhood friends I do. They help me keep close to the amazing childhood I had and I can't imagine my life without them.

It has finally come!

For those of you who have been aware of my grandmother's health....

Grandma Pace passed away tonight at 7:40. She has been very fragile for a while. She has lived with my parents for the last three years and it has really helped me to develop a strong relationship with her. I have been one of the few people that she consistently recognized. Dementia and pain were her biggest issues and the last few weeks it has been especially difficult.
Last Saturday my parents wanted to go to a family reunion in Wyoming but grandma was not up to the trip. They asked me to be with her at the house since I am one of the people she has responded to the best. I got there at 7:00 a.m. so they could get on the road early. My sister was home all day, which was lucky for me. Grandma slept all day, didn't even get out of bed to use the restroom (she has been wearing Attends so I wasn't too concerned). Hospice has been in place so I just kept checking for breathing.

At about 4:45 I spoke with my parents and they said they were on their way home and should be there at about 9:00. Somewhere around 5:45 grandma woke up and was very confused. She kept trying to get undressed and we couldn't understand what she was saying. My sister called my mother to find out what we should do. She said to give her the anti-anxiety medication she had. She was so confused she didn't remember how to drink or even use a straw. We got it down her in tiny sips.

Finally, after about an hour she settled down enough to go back to sleep. For a while we were preparing for her to go on us then, although I didn't know if I could handle it emotionally. I wanted her to be able to go so she wouldn't suffer anymore, I just didn't necessarily want to be there when she did.

She gradually went down hill each day from there. This morning my mother called off her shift for work (something I don't know that I ever recall her doing, even for herself) because she was really struggling and didn't want my dad to have to deal with it by himself. She wouldn't have been home from work yet when she passed if she had gone.

I was at my sister's house (along with all my sisters) for a jewelry party when my mother called the house. That changed the mood of the party pretty quickly. None of us were overly emotional, as we knew it was going to happen sometime soon, just needed to step away for a bit. I called Steve to let him know. He offered to go to the house and help in anyway that they needed it until I was done and could get there. My mom said they didn't need it. Things were calm.

I decided to go to the house before the mortuary came. I wanted to deal with things on my own, without the rest of my large extended family around. They weren't around for most of her last three years, why should I have to share that time with them? The first thing I noticed was the quiet - no oxygen running. Apparently they stopped it a few days ago but I hadn't been there since Saturday. That's when it really hit me and I broke down. I went in and said good-bye and stayed there until after the mortuary came and went. It helped a lot for me emotionally to be there for that.

I know that she is finally at peace and my grandpa (he passed away 5 1/2 years ago) probably came to get her and likely said something to the effect of "It's about time you let go and came with me!" She's been a stubborn one, that is for sure. I am very grateful for the time I had with her, to hear her stories and get to know her sense of humor. She was a good woman, although could get rather ornery at times. I will miss her laugh and her smiles, but I feel good knowing she is in a better place and finally happy again.

My rude awakening

This morning at about 4:00 I woke up in extreme pain. It felt as though a rod had been pushed through my upper left abdomen and through my mid back. I knew what the back pain was - a rib out of place. I have had this pain before. The stomach pain was my concern. It started just below the center of my ribcage, followed the left side of my ribcage and down. I took some pain medication and went back to bed, hoping to get some sleep so I did not miss any work.

Unfortunately for me, the pain got worse instead of better. I took a bath, hoping to ease the pain and relax enough to sleep. The bath helped but brought very small and very temporary relief. I tried some sudoku to take my mind off the pain.

It was about this time that I noticed I could physically see a difference between the left side of my abdomen versus the right side. It looked and felt swollen. I was tempted to go to the emergency room but new what my back pain was and wondered if the other pain was related. I decided to see the chiropractor first but knew I would have to wait until later in the morning. It was still only about 5:15.

I went back to bed, attempting just about any position to find relief. Pressure on my stomach just made things worse and this is what kept me awake. Eventually, and after a few tears, Steve grabbed the massager and used it on my back hoping to help. Again, temporary relief and when he was done I was right back where I was previously. I decided to take another bath, which brought no relief.

Finally I was in so much pain I couldn't even stay still. I took some Phazyme just incase the pain was gas related and decided to park myself in my comfy chaise lounge chair in the living room and let Steve have some peace, no sense keeping him awake too. There was nothing he could do. This was about 6:45 - 7:00. Sitting in the chair actually brough some relief to my back and stomach, although it took a while. I remember looking at the clock at 7:20 thinking that soon I might be able to call Dr. Fowers and beg for some help. I knew he would be up and going somewhere between 7:30 and 8:00 as I have had 7:30 appointments with him in the past.

Lucky for me, I didn't get that chance. Suddenly my head was bobbing, it was 8:00 and the pain had subsided enough for me to go back to bed, after calling in sick (I tried earlier but for some reason the message system wasn't picking up). Somewhere in there Steve called Dr. Fowers for me and got me an appointment. It wasn't until 1:30, but at that moment I was grateful. It meant I could sleep some more - which I did until 12:30. In those 4 1/2 hours I got the best sleep I have had in a while. I really needed it apparently!

Steve and I have been going to Dr. Fowers as our chiropractor for just over 5 years. He has seen me pretty messed up. But today he actually brought out his stethescope and seemed rather concerned about my stomach pain. I told him I suspected it might actually be a front rib. He checked and I was partially right. It was three ribs in front and some very knotted abdoment muscles.

So after quite a bit of pain and work I am somewhat better. My muscles are still very tender and I have been very exhausted all day (that much pain takes it out of you) but should be good.
I just hope I don't ever have to go through that again!

Just because

I just got the Mika cd and I have to say I don't believe I have found a happier cd ever. I can't help but dance to half the songs and the others are just wonderfully mellow. I woke up with a few of the songs rotating through my head. Let me tell you, it sure helped the day start out on the correct path. (Steve helped a lot too!) So, I had a good morning and the day just went really well and quickly. I got a lot done at work and I felt pretty darn good all day.

So I have to say...

HOORAY FOR FRIDAY!!!!

I don't have to worry about going to work tomorrow. Instead I get to look forward to Les Miserables. Should be a fun weekend, aside from the housework part of it.

Self reflection

I have to admit. It is facinating reading other people's profiles, especially the blogs. People are so willing to share some of their deepest thoughts and feelings. I admire it greatly. After reading the blogs from some of my friends, I looked at my profile and it seemed very guarded, if not shallow. So I made some adjustments, but it also made me think.

Describing myself is very intimidating, sometimes even scary. This is what some people will use as a first impression of me. How do I take everything that makes me who I am and put it into words? How much do I write? If I say that, will people think I am shallow, or just plain psycho? All these questions, and more, run through my mind as I read my profile.

I know that if someone else were to write my profile it would read completely different and would vary from person to person. Each person I know has their own descriptions of me, some glowing, some not so much. So I guess, to get the most accurate description of me, you would need to ask those around me. Kind words from them would not seem shallow or conceited and those not so kind would not seem like self-loathing.

I guess the reality is, I would LOVE to just post all of the attributes others say they love about me. To do so would be dishonest. I am human and I do say and do things not listed under the category "redeeming qualities".

Thank you to all who have seen some of my not so attractive traits and would still use those redeeming qualities to describe me.