Steve's journey, from his point of view

A lot of people have wondered why I went to Texas. Most of the questions were “why?” or “why Texas?” and my personal favorite “What the hell you wanna do somthin’ like that for?” Well, honestly, there are a lot of reasons. I’m not going to apologize; nor do I feel obligated to articulate myself to anyone but my wife and God, but I wish to address a few of the things that lead me to Texas.

It started June 2, 1999-the day I graduated from high school. It came to a head when I was working for the state. I was sick and tired of the bull associated with security and law enforcement- especially on military bases. I knew there was more. All the dishonesty, politics, fighting for paychecks, uncertainty in the field, dumb co-workers and, frankly, I’m tired of seeing so much pain all the time. People all carry it, but people in my profession see a lot more of it than most. It was rare for me to have a happy day. They were mostly all negative and I usually only saw the bad side of people. It turned my very callous and has turned me into a somewhat angry person. In short, I stopped caring about people. The job became more about babysitting stupid people than helping people. People were an annoyance to me.

SO, I went to commercial flight school, came back…and went back into field work. (stupid stupid stupid!)

Well, I got very sick of it very fast. Almost exactly one year ago, I had my bags packed and I THOUGHT I had an offer of employment. Then a little voice in my mind told me to double check. The person decided to change the deal and offered me HALF the pay and no other benefits. That’s when I got hooked up with the last company in Utah. (I won’t name them for now) I came on as the Security Manager. Three weeks in, I find out that the sites that we’re working are not ”in house” gigs after all like I had been told. They were straight on contracts. Once again, I got lied to and found out about it at 2am because an investigator from the state just raided one of our sites. I was not amused to say the least. It took several weeks of no pay and no work before the license got taken care of. I was looking for other work, but didn’t find it. The owner asked me to stay to make it work and I accepted.

So we got back to work. Back to security and teaching licensing classes. Then, like before, it was nothing but lies, half truths, dumb guards, annoying clients, paychecks that were 2-6 weeks LATE and getting ignored by the owner. Then, we lost all but one client and all at once. I was spared because I was teaching- the one part of the company actually making money… Until I, once again, didn’t get a paycheck (that I’m still fighting for!) Then the email came. A very unceremonious, demeaning, and condescending firing. After a year of busting my butt for him and getting the “loyalty” speech all the time, he fires me in an email and has an attitude about it. That was the second to last straw.

I second to last because, for me, when the last straw gets broken, I get physical. It has been a very long time since I’ve harmed somebody out of anger. However, the thought did pass my mind many a time more intense and vivid than I can recall ever in my life. There was one day I was convinced that I had to. ..umm…let’s just say I was intent on committing a felony. Thankfully, my better sense prevailed and it talked me out of it. Granted, I was moments from doing it, but I didn’t do it.

Now, why tell you that? I want you to understand my mind frame. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s part of why I came here. So, again, the question of why.

Illness and fatigue. I was sick and tired. Sick of dealing with dishonesty. Tired of not being able to pay my bills. Sick of working so hard for so little reward and tired of begging for money I’ve already earned. Sick of having to talk to my landlord and promising rent I didn’t know if I would get and tired of seeing Charlene hurting over it. Sick of the same thing for 10 years and tired of the attitudes of owners, managers and people in general. Sick of business owners preaching loyalty and tired of not getting it in return. Sick of being a nobody and tired of doing nothing with my life.

So, the opportunity came up to come to Texas. To change my location; To try something new; To work with my best friend; To really do something. You see, I didn’t know if I could. I remember how hard flight school was. I remember how hard going to New Orleans was, way back when. I was (am) very worried if I could make it and make this a success; nervous to see if I had what it takes to truly be successful.

So, you ask me why… because I need to. I need this. I need to know that I can do this. That when the time comes, I can get things done and handle business. I need to prove to myself that I wasn’t in the position I was in because of Utah. The opposite is also true; I want to prove some of why I am where I am is BECAUSE I was in Utah. I’m leaving that vague because there are several things on both ends for me and I want to keep them private.

Ya know, I never told him, but I really admired my youngest brother, Chris, for picking up and moving to Vermont with his Wife and Daughter. Granted, they have her family there, but that must have taken a lot of courage to do so. But since he has, I have seen the growth in him. I have witnessed his spiritual growth explode. I have witnessed him become a man and he has become one of my best friends, as are all my brothers.

Frankly, I want that. I think my growth was about as far as I could get for the moment there in Utah. Granted, we never truly stop growing and learning, but I feel mine was really stifled. I recognize and admit that it might be partly my fault that that was the situation, however, I would never do something to intentionally slow or stop my learning and progression. I am a proud person, but I promise I was not looking for fights (99% of the time anyway). There is no way I can possibly articulate to you all how it feels to wake up and wonder why God allowed me to do so; to wonder why I was here; to get out of bed every day and look forward to two things - seeing Charlene come home from work and going to bed…at 2 or 3 in the morning.

My parents, who seem to get smarter every day, taught me that there are two things you can do when faced with adversity. They said you can do nothing and be stuck or you can stand up and do something about it. I’m doing that something. I can’t sit anymore. I can’t just let things roll off my back and be nice. Now, I don’t want to go back to mean/angry Steve, but I can’t just stagnate - which is exactly what I had done.

I want to keep the promises I’ve made. I want to be the husband I said I would be to a wife who has never let me down and shown me never ending love, support and forgiveness when I fell short. God blessed me with one of his most choice daughters; the least I can do is take care of her like he expects me to. God has a way of taking things away from you when you don’t do that. I’d rather he not.

So, the road here was long and difficult; more so than I can articulate. I’m not whining; we all face trials. I’m not saying I’m a special case; there are others much worse off than me. I simply want you to get into the mindset that I have right now.

That said, the road to Texas was almost as long. Two days of driving. I got to bed Friday night at about 11pm, fell asleep about 12:45 and got up about 4:45. After some last minute car packing with Charlene and a very emotional goodbye, I was on the road at about 6am. I topped off my tank down the road from the house and got on I-15 south. I stopped in Payson for breakfast to go and got back underway. My route took me to Scipio, Moab, cut the corner of Colorado, then drop in New Mexico with a primary goal of Albuquerque for an overnight stay. Then from there I went through Amarillo, Wichita Falls and on in to Justin. I made it all the way to Moab on ¾ of a tank. I was pretty stoked. I stopped for fuel a few times in New Mexico and a twice in Texas. I know it sounds like a lot, but most of them were stops because I was down to half a tank and the next stop was out of the range left on my tank. I really didn’t spend that much on fuel.

New Mexico is probably my least favorite state in the union (California and other liberal states are a close second) and it reminded me why on the way down here. In Colorado, the speed limit out in BFE was 75. So, I’m cookin’ it down the highway and then there’s a big sign that says “Welcome to New Mexico” next to another one that says “Speed Limit 45”. We’re in the middle of the freaking desert folks. There is NOTHING out there. Zip. Zero. Ziltch. Nadda. Nill. So, after about 30 miles of that crap, the limit jumped up to 65. Ok, I can deal with that. Then suddenly, again 45 MPH. Then 70. Then 45. Then 30. Then 75. Then 35. Then 45. Then 30. Finally, I got ticked off and said “FINE! Give me a damn ticket! I am NOT going 30 MPH across this state!” Just as I said that, I looked up and there was a BIA police officer. I forgot, I’m in Indian territory and they like money. No wonder why the speed limits suck..it’s one giant speed trap. Glad I didn’t gun it like I was about to do.

I got into Albuquerque about 5pm. I have some friends stationed at Kirtland AFB there, so I visited with them for a couple of hours, but I was absolutely knackered from driving and was getting sick, so I chose to find a hotel; and it’s a good thing I did. I got in bed and a few hours later, I woke up with a sudden urge to pray to the porcelain god, which I did every 90 minutes or so. I tried to sleep, but I finally just gave up and decided I needed to hit the road.

Now, back to my mindset for a moment.

At this point (overnight), I hadn’t really slept well for nearly a month and I really hadn’t slept well after 11 hours of driving after sleeping for a few hours prior. My morale was, pardon the pun, in the toilet. I damn near turned around and went home. I thought to myself “What kind of idiot does this? What the hell am I doing going to Texas? I belong at home in Utah with my wife. This is dumb!”

I called Charlene and told her how I was feeling. She, in true Charlene fashion, told me not to. That she believed in me and that this IS the right thing to do. She tried to make me promise her that I would just go, but she settled for me promising not to make a decision until I had slept and wasn’t emotionally and physically drained.

One LONG talk with God, a few cat naps and a few sprints later, I decided to press on.

I got my guns back in the car, got my GPS running, made sure I had my road atlas set to the right page, had my waypoint instructions (I did mapquest in waypoints) out, got my key card turned in, topped off the tank and hit the road while it was still dark. An hour later, my eyes were stinging from exhaustion. I cranked up my A/C and my radio (actually found a cool classic rock station) and kept going.

I’ve talked about how much I dislike New Mexico, but that sunrise was like nothing I have ever seen before. I noticed it as I crested a hill. It happened to be an area that was pretty flat below where I was, slightly hazy and foggy but horizon as far as I could see. The colors of deep red, purple, green, grey, orange and yellow all mixed to create a sight that I doubt I will ever forget. It was gorgeous. At that moment, I felt God. I feel like I was looking at a painting that he had finished and placed there so I could see it. I know it sounds corny, but it was religious. I wish I had stopped and taken a picture. No words could do it justice.

I got in to Amarillo at about 9am. By this time, my stomach had calmed some so I figured maybe now was a good time to eat. I topped off the tank and got some food in my stomach (to go, of course) and it seemed to help. However, I was having a hard time keeping the eyelids open, so in my infinite (deliriously tired) wisdom, I decided to pick up the pace. (no, not the salsa and not that Pace. I did that 7 years ago!) There were points on US-287 between Wichita Falls and Justin that I was over 110 MPH because I KNEW I was getting close to the end of my endurance. Not the smartest or safest thing to do, especially tired, but it helped me make up some of the time from sleeping overnight.

As I was getting into Justin, Mike (best friend, who I’m staying with) called me and told me that he was heading to the store, so I just met him there. It was nice to see him again; and to stand up. I had, after all, just been in the car for nearly 2 straight days. I was anxious to get parked though, so we got here, relaxed for a minute, then unpacked the car. I went to bed that night (Sunday) and slept solid for 11 hours. It was the first time in quite a while that I really rested. It was nice.

So, now the journey begins. Time to put my money where my mouth is and make this work. If I can pull it off, Charlene will join me by Halloween. If not, I’m coming home…but don’t expect me back yet. I’m not sold that I’m not crazy for coming here, but I’m going to really give it a go.

I hope I answered some questions. If I didn’t, oh well. I just wanted to give you some insight so maybe, just maybe, you can see where I’m at in life from my perspective. I’m tired and already more home sick than I was at flight school, but I’m pushing. I want to be able to hold my head up and say I accomplished something real in life. I want to be able to look certain people in the eye and say “I did it. I kept my promises.” I love Charlene and want to be near her, but I want her to come here and I want to be able to say “Hun, look at the life I’m carving out for us here. I did it this far, but I want to do the rest with you.”

And that is the point of coming to Texas.