I am a changed woman!

My life has changed forever!

Several months ago I found a product that might help in my miserable food restrictions. It is enzymes that are supposed to aid in the digestion of gluten and casein (dairy mostly) products. It is $20 for 60 capsules and at the time I did not feel I dared try it. The effects of its possible ineffeciency could be disastrous. You see, I have not "cheated" and knowingly eaten something I know would make me sick just because I miss it. It has been very difficult at times, but it simply is not worth the pain. In 3 years since my diagnosis I have not had anything that was obviously off limits. Not even a small cookie. Crumbs from croutons on my salad make me sick.

Friday night I felt adventurous. I was already planning on staying home as much as possible. If I tried it and got sick I had a few days to recover. I felt the benefits made the risk worth it. The only place I have found it so far is Harmons on 5400 S and Redwood Road. Right next door is a Sconecutter. I love Sconecutter and have dearly missed it. This was the night....

I don't know what is in those capsules, but I now vow to never be without some. I had more energy at the end of the night, after "cheating", than I did the rest of the entire day. It was so liberating and exciting! I could not stop talking, dancing and singing! I felt so alive and so new, and really have for most of the weekend. I have eaten more gluten this weekend than everything combined since my diagnosis, and I am not sick in bed!

This does not mean I can eat as much as I want of whatever I want. This weekend has been an exception. This does mean I do not have to feel the wretched anxiety surrounding social gatherings with food. This does mean that I can have what I want on special occasions. I do still feel some effects if I simply over-do it, but they are so not anything like a straight up exposure.

To some of you, this may seem so trivial. But my risk and my experiment has benefitted many people I know. This was such pure joy for me to share! In sharing it with my mother, who also has issues, describing the delicacy of Sconecutter needed few words. Upon receiving the news, my cousin exclaimed "Honey, we're going out to dinner tonight!" and "I've got so many people to call!"

As I said earlier, my life has changed forever. My psychological and emotional life looks much brighter, as well as my diet. Who knows, maybe the energy I experienced this weekend is much more than mental. I am very excited about seeing the continued benefits.

I think I can, I think I can....random thoughts

Have you ever had a day that you started by saying "I think I can (insert whatever here)"? Mine is most frequently I think I can...get out of bed. Most of the time it works. Then I am able to do whatever needs to be done and somehow getting out of bed didn't seem that bad, or was the easy part of the day.

I have started saying "I think I can" more often and about more things than just getting out of bed. It has really changed my mindset on several things. Now I am not saying I have all good days, not that by any means. It has helped to lower my stress level and also get through some really emotional issues. I have been able to help someone else who needed it and forget about my miserable worries (that too easily consume me). I have been able to smile, laugh and love more.

Speaking of love, can I just say that I love my family? I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. If I have an issue, I can take it to them and work it out somehow. There might be tears, and there is defintely emotions, but we work it out in the best way we know how. Sometimes this is honestly let it drop and give it time and other times we step in for someone else who is either too afraid or not ready to speak their mind right at that moment (a rare occasion, I promise).

So what do you do when someone you truly care about is having a difficult time and nothing you say or do can really change anything? Is this where "I think I can" comes in? I think I can be there for that person, no matter what happens. I think I can love that person with everything I've got. I think I can show that person life is good and worth plugging on. What happens if I need someone while I am there for them? Do I just fall apart trying to keep them together or do I drop them to keep myself together?

This is one of my weak strengths. You know, one of those qualities that makes a difference for other people but that is focused on so much that something else suffers. You see, I am loyal to a fault. It really takes something earth-shattering for me to consider someone once a friend otherwise. When one of my friends is in trouble or needs me, I am there, sometimes even when I need one myself.

So, I think I can...be my own friend. It makes sense. If I take care of my friends, and I am my own friend, I will take care of myself.

Richard Marx Concert

Monday night I had the wonderful privilege (in my opinion) to go to the Richard Marx concert in Orem. He is my favorite artist by far. In my personal opinion, I believe that he is a very under-rated artist and is not nearly as well known as he should be. Very few people know that he has written and produced very popular songs for several very popular artists covering several genres.

My sister Ranna and my friend Buffy went with me. Ranna has a few albums, the Greatest Hits (from the first 4 albums) and the newest one, which meant she knew almost all the songs played. Buffy only knew what was played on the radio, so basically the earlier stuff. Regardless of how much they knew it was a fun show. No major special effects, just great music and a great entertainer. He had great stories to share and was quite comedic.

I won't bore people with the details of the songs played. Let's just say I want the live versions! He is working on at least one new album (possibly 2) and played one of his new songs. LOVED IT!

One of these days I will have enough money to have a private concert....

Life long friends

Today started out as the day I could finally relax at work...as soon as I cleaned up from Family Fun Night (which went very well last night, thank you very much). It changed when Martha (a co-worker and friend) offered me a ticket to Erin's Slumber Party downtown, sponsored by B98.7. Frankly, I don't listen to the station, but it sounded fun and relaxing. Massages and pedicures with as much food and chocolate as we could eat and a good excuse to go out in public in my pajamas? Just the thing I needed after this so far very busy month, three events in three weeks is not an easy thing to pull off. Anyway, the first person I thought of was Angela, my best friend since high school. This was just the thing she needed as well, not to mention a really good excuse to get her out of the house. Not something that is very easy to do, especially the day of.

When we got there, we drove around the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to find a spot as someone left. That was frustrating. We got in there and got our free tote and realized just how many people were there. It was really stuffy. I ran into a few people I know (yes Steve I know, you can't take me anywhere), one who is a former co-worker and I haven't seen for about 5 years.

We quickly discovered that all the services were $5 a piece (a fabulous deal, but I understood free so therefore did not have any money with me) so that changed some plans. We found the food and the chocolate...wandered and looked at several of the booths for the vendors there (just about anything you could think of) and then quickly decided it was too noisy and too crowded, so we left to do our own pedicures at my house. After all, she was able to get away from the kids for a while and her husband didn't expect her home for quite a while.

Well, the pedicure didn't happen. We started talking. This has always interupted some things, although I can't complain. It was one of the most enjoyable evenings I have had in a long time. We talked about our teenage and college years, old loves and old boyfriends (yes they are different) and about "Those who must not be named".

It was wonderful to be reminded of the blessing of true friendships. Those friends that know your deepest, darkest secrets and stand by you regardless. There is something amazing about having a friendship that promotes conversation that flows seamlessly from those dark secrets and the healing so desperately needed to laughter and those crazy teenage moments. But I have to say my favorite part of the evening was simply driving down the freeway listening to old Bon Jovi songs and singing at the top of our lungs, just like we did when we were 17.

Unfortunately life and responsibility hit us again, and too soon for my preference. She has to work in the morning and I got home and realized how far from 17 I am.

But it was sure a good time while it lasted. I am so blessed to have the two close childhood friends I do. They help me keep close to the amazing childhood I had and I can't imagine my life without them.

It has finally come!

For those of you who have been aware of my grandmother's health....

Grandma Pace passed away tonight at 7:40. She has been very fragile for a while. She has lived with my parents for the last three years and it has really helped me to develop a strong relationship with her. I have been one of the few people that she consistently recognized. Dementia and pain were her biggest issues and the last few weeks it has been especially difficult.
Last Saturday my parents wanted to go to a family reunion in Wyoming but grandma was not up to the trip. They asked me to be with her at the house since I am one of the people she has responded to the best. I got there at 7:00 a.m. so they could get on the road early. My sister was home all day, which was lucky for me. Grandma slept all day, didn't even get out of bed to use the restroom (she has been wearing Attends so I wasn't too concerned). Hospice has been in place so I just kept checking for breathing.

At about 4:45 I spoke with my parents and they said they were on their way home and should be there at about 9:00. Somewhere around 5:45 grandma woke up and was very confused. She kept trying to get undressed and we couldn't understand what she was saying. My sister called my mother to find out what we should do. She said to give her the anti-anxiety medication she had. She was so confused she didn't remember how to drink or even use a straw. We got it down her in tiny sips.

Finally, after about an hour she settled down enough to go back to sleep. For a while we were preparing for her to go on us then, although I didn't know if I could handle it emotionally. I wanted her to be able to go so she wouldn't suffer anymore, I just didn't necessarily want to be there when she did.

She gradually went down hill each day from there. This morning my mother called off her shift for work (something I don't know that I ever recall her doing, even for herself) because she was really struggling and didn't want my dad to have to deal with it by himself. She wouldn't have been home from work yet when she passed if she had gone.

I was at my sister's house (along with all my sisters) for a jewelry party when my mother called the house. That changed the mood of the party pretty quickly. None of us were overly emotional, as we knew it was going to happen sometime soon, just needed to step away for a bit. I called Steve to let him know. He offered to go to the house and help in anyway that they needed it until I was done and could get there. My mom said they didn't need it. Things were calm.

I decided to go to the house before the mortuary came. I wanted to deal with things on my own, without the rest of my large extended family around. They weren't around for most of her last three years, why should I have to share that time with them? The first thing I noticed was the quiet - no oxygen running. Apparently they stopped it a few days ago but I hadn't been there since Saturday. That's when it really hit me and I broke down. I went in and said good-bye and stayed there until after the mortuary came and went. It helped a lot for me emotionally to be there for that.

I know that she is finally at peace and my grandpa (he passed away 5 1/2 years ago) probably came to get her and likely said something to the effect of "It's about time you let go and came with me!" She's been a stubborn one, that is for sure. I am very grateful for the time I had with her, to hear her stories and get to know her sense of humor. She was a good woman, although could get rather ornery at times. I will miss her laugh and her smiles, but I feel good knowing she is in a better place and finally happy again.

My rude awakening

This morning at about 4:00 I woke up in extreme pain. It felt as though a rod had been pushed through my upper left abdomen and through my mid back. I knew what the back pain was - a rib out of place. I have had this pain before. The stomach pain was my concern. It started just below the center of my ribcage, followed the left side of my ribcage and down. I took some pain medication and went back to bed, hoping to get some sleep so I did not miss any work.

Unfortunately for me, the pain got worse instead of better. I took a bath, hoping to ease the pain and relax enough to sleep. The bath helped but brought very small and very temporary relief. I tried some sudoku to take my mind off the pain.

It was about this time that I noticed I could physically see a difference between the left side of my abdomen versus the right side. It looked and felt swollen. I was tempted to go to the emergency room but new what my back pain was and wondered if the other pain was related. I decided to see the chiropractor first but knew I would have to wait until later in the morning. It was still only about 5:15.

I went back to bed, attempting just about any position to find relief. Pressure on my stomach just made things worse and this is what kept me awake. Eventually, and after a few tears, Steve grabbed the massager and used it on my back hoping to help. Again, temporary relief and when he was done I was right back where I was previously. I decided to take another bath, which brought no relief.

Finally I was in so much pain I couldn't even stay still. I took some Phazyme just incase the pain was gas related and decided to park myself in my comfy chaise lounge chair in the living room and let Steve have some peace, no sense keeping him awake too. There was nothing he could do. This was about 6:45 - 7:00. Sitting in the chair actually brough some relief to my back and stomach, although it took a while. I remember looking at the clock at 7:20 thinking that soon I might be able to call Dr. Fowers and beg for some help. I knew he would be up and going somewhere between 7:30 and 8:00 as I have had 7:30 appointments with him in the past.

Lucky for me, I didn't get that chance. Suddenly my head was bobbing, it was 8:00 and the pain had subsided enough for me to go back to bed, after calling in sick (I tried earlier but for some reason the message system wasn't picking up). Somewhere in there Steve called Dr. Fowers for me and got me an appointment. It wasn't until 1:30, but at that moment I was grateful. It meant I could sleep some more - which I did until 12:30. In those 4 1/2 hours I got the best sleep I have had in a while. I really needed it apparently!

Steve and I have been going to Dr. Fowers as our chiropractor for just over 5 years. He has seen me pretty messed up. But today he actually brought out his stethescope and seemed rather concerned about my stomach pain. I told him I suspected it might actually be a front rib. He checked and I was partially right. It was three ribs in front and some very knotted abdoment muscles.

So after quite a bit of pain and work I am somewhat better. My muscles are still very tender and I have been very exhausted all day (that much pain takes it out of you) but should be good.
I just hope I don't ever have to go through that again!

Just because

I just got the Mika cd and I have to say I don't believe I have found a happier cd ever. I can't help but dance to half the songs and the others are just wonderfully mellow. I woke up with a few of the songs rotating through my head. Let me tell you, it sure helped the day start out on the correct path. (Steve helped a lot too!) So, I had a good morning and the day just went really well and quickly. I got a lot done at work and I felt pretty darn good all day.

So I have to say...

HOORAY FOR FRIDAY!!!!

I don't have to worry about going to work tomorrow. Instead I get to look forward to Les Miserables. Should be a fun weekend, aside from the housework part of it.