I know it has been some time since I wrote a post, and especially a Flashback Friday post. I was playing a game on Facebook and I just started thinking about Steve. Since he is at work, I miss him. I've been thinking about the day (and moment) I realized I wanted to marry him. We have already shared the story about how we met and our whirlwind courtship. But I don't know if he even remembers this one.
Around the time that we met Angela's husband Erik joined the Army, active duty. Of course this meant selling their house and moving out of state. They had two kids at the time, Alek and Ethan. I believe that Alek had just turned 2 and Ethan had just turned 1. If my memory serves me correctly, their house had not sold by the time Erik had to leave for boot camp. One Saturday, when we didn't have a competition, Steve and I went over to help her pack, clean the house, and take care of the kids.
We took a break and Steve and I were reading stories to the kids. I believe that Alek was on Steve's lap and I was holding Ethan. At some point, I glanced at the TV in front of us. I could see our reflections and it truly was as if time just stopped. I sat in amazement as Steve was so involved in the story he was reading. I saw us together and it just fit. I wanted to cry but decided that wasn't a good idea, so I held it back.
After that, I had no hope. All he had to do was say the words and I was his. To this day, whenever I watch him with kids I am amazed and I feel the same way. He's not worried about whatever is going on in life. He is involved in the moment and he is a kid himself. It makes my heart melt every time.
I love the moments in life that happen and things become crystal clear, such as this one. Last week I had another. I won't go into too many yucky details, but last Friday I ended up in the emergency room. I was bleeding uncontrollably and in a lot of pain. I had been trying to deal with it on my own since Wednesday night with some luck here and there but Friday it just got worse and I couldn't take it anymore.
I was at work and ended up having a co-worker take me. Steve had worked the night before and I knew he was supposed to be sleeping. I didn't even know if he would have his phone on or not (he typically turns it off so he it doesn't wake him up when people call). I had called from work and he didn't answer because he didn't recognize the number. A few minutes later I called from my cell phone, in the car on the way. By this point I was in tears, and he had only been asleep for an hour. As soon as he heard me crying he was up. Within 10 minutes he was dressed and to the hospital to be with me.
Throughout the day, everything he did was for me, nothing else mattered. It didn't matter how tired, hungry or thirsty he was. He was going to be there with me whenever possible. He called work and let them know he would not be able to make it in that night. He wasn't going to leave me by myself. Luckily, at one point they had to take me for some tests and he was able to get some food. My dad came to the hospital about half way and stayed with us the remainder of the time. He also took Steve to pick up my car after I was home. I think that helped Steve as much as it did me.
We definitely have our moments, times that we just go with the flow. But I am grateful for those moments of clarity. The expressions of pure and simple love.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Flashback Friday
Monday, March 16, 2009
19 nephews
Steve and I now have 19 nephews. In a few months, it will be 20. The girls are very much in the rear. We have 8 neices. Steve's parents have 18 grandchildren: 15 boys and 3 girls. My parents have 9 grandchildren (soon to be 10): 4 boys and 5 girls.
Congrats to Ryan and Melissa and their new baby boy, Dylan Robert Todd. They came to visit us today and I am trying to be better about taking pictures - here's a few.
Waking up...
What did you do with my binkie?
Sisterly love!Sunday, February 15, 2009
Girl's Day Fun
Earlier this week my sister Ranna told me that she was planning to take our niece Anna downtown to try on a shirt she wanted to get for her for her upcoming birthday. She works at the Gateway JCrew and had the shirt on hold. I started thinking. Steve was going to be working on Friday night, which meant he would be sleeping all day. I could go too. AND, my niece Jade could come down and go with because Anna has been asking me when we could get together with Jade.
A little background side note there. Anna is my brothers "step-daughter" (this is a technicality). Jade is Steve's brothers "step-daughter". They are a year apart in age and a few years ago I thought it would be fun for them to both have a sleepover at my house and meet. They hit it off very quickly and get along very well. They actually have a lot in common, including having two dads. So occasionally I arrange for them to hang out.
Back to the story. We decided we wouldn't let Anna know that Jade and I were coming too. So Jade came down Friday night for a sleepover with me while Steve was at work and Ranna picked us up on Saturday morning to go surprise Anna. A few minutes before we left, we learned that Anna didn't even know that Ranna was coming. Her mom, Sarina, had kept it a surprise. Even better! We showed up and it took her a minute to realize really what was going on. And, it seemed that she really was most excited to see Jade, she got a much more enthusiastic "hi" than Ranna and I did.
We decided to take Trax because it was snowing and we didn't know how ugly it would get throughout the day. To do this, we had to stop at the bank for some cash. So we found an ATM and then stopped for drinks to break the $20s because the machine for Trax won't take anything larger than a $10. This was probably a sad site. We each had our own money and bought our own drinks. Anna and Jade bought the same thing. Sadly, Ranna and I matched each other as well. What a site, the "big girls" with one drink and the "little girls" with another.
We got the Trax station in very good timing. We only waited for about 5 minutes. It was a great way to travel downtown. It's easy and actually pretty fun. Plus, you can actually talk instead of stressing about driving. Our stop put us not far from the store, which was very good since it had started snowing harder while we were on the train and got pretty cold. We went in, Anna tried on the shirt and she loved it. Ranna let us use the staff bathrooms in the back and this is what the girls did...
Guarding the hangers
They were having fun in Ranna's workspace and being quite imaginative. We finished up at JCrew and wandered around Gateway making a few stops, including Lane Bryant, a picture booth and finally Jason's Deli for lunch. By this time it was 1:30 and we decided to head back to the car, but not before some fun before getting on Trax.
Enjoying an after lunch airhead in the cold
A cool sculpture at the Trax station we hopped on to head home.
After reaching the car, we headed to Hobby Lobby. I had some yarn to pick up to finish a project and Ranna had a gift card she still needed to use. She hadn't ever been. Hobby Lobby is a very fun store and you can find almost anything there for crafts or for decor. Ranna and I both found what we needed/wanted and we even found a frog for my mom's garden that was 50% off and the last one available. We couldn't pass it up because it just fit so well.
Jade had some money left from what her dad gave her to spend and she and Anna decided they wanted something that matched from their day together (other than the pictures we already did). After searching the store, they decided on some Valentine's Day stuffed puppies (40% off is a beautiful thing). The cashier was very good with Jade as she paid for their gifts and she got on her eye level as she counted out her change. Ranna and I were very impressed, especially considering the lines were getting longer and crazier by the minute.
Later, when Jade's parents came to pick her up, I had a cookie thief.
He was quite sneaky...
I think he had two whole cookies by himself.
Overall, our day was just a lot of fun.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Flashback Friday - Fun pics
We have someone at work who is retiring this month and part of my job is "party-planner". I have a bunch of pictures from past events and so I was assigned to look through my pictures to find some of her for a scrapbook. During the course of my search I found some of family members who have come to different fun events we have had at work.
Family Fun Night 2007
Monday, February 9, 2009
Nasty Nose
Warning! Rambling post that may not be interesting to anyone at all. Read at your own risk of TMI!
Growing up I never really had many issues with getting sick, except for tonsillitis, which I got frequently. I frequently had 100% attendance in school and HATED missing school. I know, I know, let me do this for you...GEEK!!! Please don't misunderstand, I didn't like school, I just hated missing it. There was this thing with my family, good grades were important.
Tangent alert!
Back to the story at hand. The last few years I have really had some issues with sinus infections, among other issues (my immune system is not what it once was). I remember Britta having a lot of sinus problems as we were teenagers and her having surgery to fix those problems, but never really thought much about it past that. I didn't really understand them and was in my own world since I was graduating high school and going off to college. Sheesh, how insensitive could I be? Now however, I almost always have some sort of nasal issue. What was that called? Karma?
The past week I have struggled with "the cold of death" and I'm pretty sure it was at least a borderline sinus infection but I didn't want to go to the doctor for antibiotics. With my immune system so shot I need every chance I can get for my body to re-train itself to fight. Antibiotics won't give it that chance. So, I've been doing what I can to get rid of it naturally. Last year one of my chiropractors mentioned getting a neti pot. I hadn't ever heard of them but decided to give it a try.
If you haven't heard of a neti pot, look it up. You will find a lot about it. But the important part is, pick one up. It is amazing! Yes, it feels weird. Yes, it is gross. No, you will not find a medicine that clears out more than this will and as quickly (although guifenesin does really help). This week I have reminded myself how much of a difference it makes. I haven't been using it on a regular basis and I really need to. Doing so may prevent sinus infections from ever creeping in and help me avoid surgery (we all know I don't need another one of those). Not to mention saving money and time. Salt and water are much cheaper than a doctor visit and a perscription.
And there you have it folks. The mindless, late night ramblings of me. Isn't your life now complete? Maybe now I can have the energy to save the world. Too much? Fine. Have it your way. I'll just go to bed now.
Killjoy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Long Time Coming
It has been a long time since I have posted. For this, I apologize. It's been a rough few months, to be honest. For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that I struggle in the winter and I am much more prone to depression. I wish I could say this winter was different...
Regardless, there were a few events I could have (and should have) posted, such as:
- My sister Amanda had her baby and we now have baby Lexi in our family. She was born early on Thanksgiving morning. This was also Ruthann's birthday, which made her very happy. This past Sunday she was blessed.
- Christmas came and went with little to report. Since Steve was not working we didn't have a lot of money. But we did spend some good time with family. The more time goes on the more I realize how much they really mean to me.
- My baby brother Joel (yes, I said baby) got married a few weeks ago. Ruthann is now officially part of the family and our total is now up to 25. It will be 26 later this spring, and Britta will again round out the grandkids making it an even five boys and five girls. Here are a few pictures from the wedding and reception.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I have been lost...
My nephew Zack says so. I'll share that story in a moment, but first...
I'm doing well. I know you wouldn't have a clue about that since I have not posted since my surgery. I apologize. I have no excuse. I just didn't feel like it. Also, I really didn't have much to share except having my gallbladder removed has almost been like magic! It has made such a big difference in my overall well-being. Don't jump too far ahead though. I still have my crashes, and usually allow my weekend to be that time. I was talking to my sister Ranna tonight and realized it is basically controlled crashing. I push myself during the week to get to work and be productive there, and on the weekend I let the crash happen, to whatever degree that may be. Some weekends I have felt great, others not so much.
I believe that the greatest difference I have noticed has been my mood. I have felt so positive and it is so nice. When I went back to work I came home and told Steve that there were two words that people said to me that fit so perfectly, "Welcome Back." I have truly felt that way, for myself. I have felt more like myself in the past month or so than I had for a long time. Optimistic, silly, spontaneous and happy. That is who I really am and it is nice to feel that way.
With that out of the way, on to the good stuff. My nephew Zack will be three in a few weeks. He is very silly and he knows it. His personality is so fun. Last week was my sister Amanda's birthday and he went to grandma's while she and Aaron went out. On their way home from picking him up he informed them he was sad. When Amanda asked him why he was sad, he explained "I lost my Charlene." He then proceeded to talk about me being sick and needing to go to the doctor. She explained that the doctor fixed me and that I am all better. He said, "Oh, Steve had to go to the doctor. He bumped his head." She and Aaron were quite surprised with this conversation and have no idea where it came from. But I sure felt special after she sent me the text telling me I was lost. I saw him a few days later and it was fun to have him be so excited to see me.
Last night my mom had a Lia Sophia jewelry party. I decided to go a little bit early so I could hang out. Both Amanda and Britta were already there with their kids. Amanda came into the living room as I was taking my jacket and my shoes off and hollered at Zack to come see "who's here". His excitement when he saw me was so touching. He ran up and gave me a big hug and kiss. Lately Zack has been afraid of the dark. A few nights ago he was crying before bed and Amanda thought this was the reason. Nope, he was crying because he lost his Charlene, again. While it is sad that he cried about it, I have to say, it is darn cute!
These stories make me feel very special. To put this all in perspective, Ranna watches him every Wednesday. Britta watches him about once a week based on my mom's schedule. Because of the regular visit he has with them it is natural for him to have a good connection with them. I don't see him at any regular intervals. But, now I know he likes to see me and misses me.
Basically, I feel very special and loved!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
My take on Prop 8
Hello! This one is all me (Steve). It's a hot button topic, but I'm not scared. Please let me know what you think. Yall should have my Email or you can post it here.
California proposition 8- This is one of my hot button issues lately. A good chunk of my non LDS friends have given me grief about it, until I explain to them my beliefs and the facts on the matter. In this blog, I will attempt to show possibly why my church, with others, got involved in this issue and then I’ll explain my beliefs. I'll break it down into parts and then summarize at the end. I’ve included a bibliography at the bottom where you can find my references.
Marriage as a religious ordinance:
To me, marriage is religious at It's core. I personally believe that government got into it, at first, to keep a record and then realized It's monetary potential. Because of that, I choose to use religious context for marriage.
My religion teaches that marriage is ordained of God; sacred₁. Most Christian religions do. Most religions who believe in the bible also believe Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13 and
1 Corinthians 7:2 to name three examples. So, why would any Christian church, including the LDS faith, even for a minute, support people who engage in what is believed as abomination worthy of death entering into something they consider to be sacred, ordained of God and between one man and one woman?
The Law:
First, The LDS church didn’t violate any laws in their participation in Prop 8.₅ They did lobby- legal. They did encourage members of the church who felt the same way to go door to door and do things within their power according to their own free will, choice and agency- legal. Billboards are legal. They simply cannot spend the majority of their time lobbying, and, as stated before, taking on issues is also legal so long as they do not endorse a single candidate. So, it doesn’t seem like the church did anything illegal nor did they do anything that would jeopardize their tax-exempt status.
Furthermore, They weren’t alone. There was a coalition of religions who all did the same thing that the LDS church did. Catholics, Baptists, Evangelicals, Jehovah’s Witness, and Jews were also involved- to name a few. I find it rather interesting that the LDS church gets singled out. I have not heard of protests at any other churches, temples or synagogues. Now, envelopes with white powder inside were reported at two LDS temples and at a Catholic Cathedral. By the way, that’s multiple federal offenses for the person(s) who sent it.
Now, here’s a little bit of law for you. I'll tie the relevance in during the summary.
UCA 76-5-403: Sodomy- Forcible Sodomy₆
“(1) A person commits sodomy when the actor engages in any sexual act with a person who is 14 years of age or older involving the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person, regardless of the sex of either participant.
(2) A person commits forcible sodomy when the actor commits sodomy upon another without the other’s consent.
(3) Sodomy is a class B misdemeanor. Forcible sodomy is a felony of the first degree.”
That’s right boys and girls! Oral and anal sex is against the law and punishable by six months in jail and a fine of $1,000, per count.
Now, this law was written with rape in mind, but it effectively makes homosexual/lesbian sex illegal. Again, going towards the “why” would people be against proposition 8.
Influence:
I want to address the “separation of church and state” comment. It seems to me that some people think that Utah is somehow the exclusive place in the U.S. that this occurs. I am not going to say that there isn’t some of this going on in Utah, or any other state, but I don’t think it’s as bad as most people might think. Let’s start here in Utah.
Since we in the United States practice government “of the people for the people”, we draw our statesman from our population. According to adherents.com₇, Utah is 71% LDS. With those numbers, you’re probably going to have an LDS majority in government.
Politicians vote according to two principles-
1. What they want/feel
2. What is politically expedient. (Re-elections, party lines, lobbyists, etc.)
Based on that criteria, it’s probably smart to vote and support things that your constituency likes and wants. If you’re a politician from Utah, you’re probably not going to have a long career if you support abortion and taking away gun rights- UNLESS you live/work in Salt Lake County. In fact, Salt Lake City is one of the toughest liberal strongholds in the United States. A Republican/conservative hasn’t been mayor of Salt Lake City since the early 1970’s. So, I don’t think there is a lot of interaction to/with church leaders and politicians saying “do this or that”.
Now, the exception that proves this rule is just what I’ve said. California, Oregon, New Mexico, Washington and Nevada are all liberal leaning states. They also happen to have a large LDS population. So, you can surmise from this that just because your LDS or from Utah, you’re going to vote a certain way or be prone to direct instruction or illegal influence from church leaders.
Now, Utah is not exclusive to this and neither is ‘Mormonism’. For example, the south is predominantly Southern Baptist. The east is predominantly Catholic. Who do you think makes up their governmental body? Just like Utah, religious population percentage doesn’t determine total or illegal influence or anything that would constitute a violation of the legal definition of separation of church and state.
Summary:
To summarize, I personally believe that religious organizations participated like they did as a statement of their beliefs. It appears that they wish to fight/stand up for what they feel is right. Those who follow the teachings of their religion or conscious have made the acts of homosexual or lesbian sex against the law, so too are they making this their law. I believe the religious organizations simply want to defend what they feel is good, holy and sacred.
So what do I believe?
I personally believe that allowing marriage between homosexual or lesbian couples is wrong. I do not support it in any way, shape or form. Nor do I support civil unions for said persons.
However, the last time I checked, this was a free and capitalist country.
I believe that you have the right as an individual to place anyone you wish on your insurance policy, regardless of residency, income, sexual orientation, relationship, or any other person or group protected under U.S. Title VI.
I believe that you have the right as an individual to grant anyone you wish rights of decision in legal and medical matters.
I believe that you have the right as an individual to claim any person you support as a dependant.
I believe that homosexuals and lesbians are entitles to be treated with the same kindness and respect that would be given any other person.
Bibliography: all scriptures from King James Bible
1.http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=e1fa5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=1aba862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1&contentLocale=0
2.Leviticus 18:22 “thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination”
3.Leviticus 20:13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them”
4. 1 Corinthians 7:2 “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”
5. http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p1828.pdf
6. Page 540 of the Utah Code Annotated, enacted 1983
7. http://www.adherents.com/rel_USA.html#Number1
Friday, October 10, 2008
I'm alive...and well
My surgery went well and I am home recovering.
Steve and I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning at about 7:10. My mom rearranged her work schedule so that she could be there as well and she arrived before the nurse took us back. Even though it was early and I was going to be having surgery, I was in a pretty good mood and really wasn't nervous. I received a blessing the night before and it gave me great peace. I had a student nurse follow me all the way through my stay. It was rather interesting, but it was fun to have someone to talk to during the few times I would have been alone otherwise.
According to Steve, the doctor told him that my gallbladder was pretty scarred up and had been causing me some grief for quite some time. The largest stone was too big and had to be crushed before they could remove my gallbladder. For me, having this knowledge gives me a lot of peace with my decision to have it removed. I was a little unsure at one point, even though I was extremely sick.
I can not say enough good about the care I received while at the hospital. Everyone seemed to really be concerned about me and seemed to really enjoy their work. Overall, other than the fact that I had a tough time coming out of the anesthesia, my experience was very positive.
I am able to get up and down realatively easily and even handled a few visitors last night. My pain is under control and I have been in good spirits. I'm quite encouraged at this point and look forward to getting on with life without the nasty attacks.
I want to say thank you to all my family and friends that have shown a great amount of love and support during this time. I feel very loved and very special.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
It's too early!
Last night I showered and washed my hair so that this morning all I would have to do is put on my clothes, brush my teeth, take my medicine and go out the door. I set my alarm with plenty of time for a little snooze button action, but we both slept so rough last night that we didn't need it. We got the "I'm anticipating a certain event tomorrow" sleep. You all know what I am talking about... Steve and I are up and ready to go with plenty of time to spare. Steve is not feeling well and I'm just plain tired.
I need to be there by 7:15. This means I'm not the first person but I am close to the beginning. I guess that's a good thing. Get the surgeon while he's still relatively fresh in the morning and not tired in the afternoon. So, wish me luck. I'm off to see the surgeon...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Moving Forward
I had my appointment with the surgeon today. It was laid out to me that there really weren't many "real" options. Because of the severity and frequency of my attacks not having my gallbladder removed is the best option.
Steve went with me and asked, "Are there any other options?" The surgeon simply said, "Yes, you can be in pain." He also said there is a medication that I could take to break up the stones...for the rest of my life, and they do not know the side effects of taking it that long. Ummm, no thanks! I could also have an ultrasound to break up the stones. The problem with the ultrasound is that there isn't even one of the machines needed for it in the state of Utah. There are more complications with that than there is with the surgery.
So, you guessed it, I opted to just have it removed. Both my parents have had the surgery and they seem to be pretty darn healthy. The doctor is headed out of town this weekend and said he could fit me in on Thursday, otherwise I would have to wait about 2 weeks. Again, ummm, no thanks! If I am going to do it let's just get it done. The surgery will be done laparoscopically and I should be able to go home the same day. I don't know what time yet, I will find that out tomorrow.
Regardless, I will likely not be posting for a while. Maybe I'll see if Steve can at least post an update to let everyone know how I am doing. We'll see.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Low-fat = Blah
I know this is going to come as a shock to you all, seeing as I am such a health buff...
Eating a gluten-free AND low-fat is not only boring, but it is really difficult and I don't like it! I am still struggling with food, even if it is basically non-fat. My whole body is very sensitive to anything I eat and it seems that the only thing that really has little or no effect is applesauce. But, Steve tells me I can't live on applesauce alone.
In the meantime, I eat what I can of what won't make me sick or give me pain and I meet with the general surgeon tomorrow to discuss my options. That will give me a better idea of how long I'm going to be feeling like this. I'll keep you posted.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Just In Time
Steve is home. This actually ended up not being a difficult decision. I'll explain...
This past weekend I had another episode of my rude awakening, except without the visit to the chiropractor. At some point during this "attack" I realized it was something more serious than my ribs being out. It could be that I had just had an adjustment that day, it could be that I realized it was all focused in the pit of my stomach. But I was tempted to go to the ER that night. In retrospect it would have been a good thing to do. I didn't want to go in without Steve though. I had a feeling that I was having trouble with my gallbladder and I was afraid of emergency surgery. So, I stuck it out and slept all day Sunday to recover.
I talked to Steve Sunday night and we started talking seriously about him coming home. He was upset with me for not going to the hospital and told me to go if I needed to whether he was there or not. I told him I really was concerned and that I wanted him to come home. He had a few things to pull together before leaving so we decided he would probably leave on Thursday and get home on Friday.
Monday, I decided that I needed to see a doctor for this because it has happened too many times and something was really wrong. I called my primary care's office and was able to get in that afternoon. I told him my theory was gallbladder but he disagreed with me based on my symptoms. He felt it was an ulcer and gave me a sample of Prevacid and took some blood to check for the H Pylori bacteria. I said ok and went home. I still didn't feel well.
Tuesday night, I had another "attack". It was earlier in the evening, before going to bed instead of waking me up. My dad came over to give me a blessing and I was told that things would calm down, I would be able to get some sleep and go to work as I needed to do. Around midnight I did receive enough relief to get some sleep, but it did not go away completely.
Wednesday I was tempted to stay home, even go in late but I pushed myself and went in on time. I worked the entire day although I was not well. I called the doctor's office for my lab results. The H Pylori was negative. It was not an ulcer and the doctor wanted me to arrange to have an ultrasound. I set this up for Monday morning, although I was not sure I would make it until then. At some point in the late afternoon, Steve called me to cheer me up. He said he had a surprise for me and wanted me to look at the bank account online and tell him what the last transaction was. He was already on his way home and in Tucumcari, NM. I started to cry, his timing was perfect. I needed him home with me. I was very sick and was not getting better. I promised him, and myself, that if I had another attack that I would go to the hospital.
Thursday morning, approx. 5:00 a.m., Steve walked in the door. He drove 20 hours straight from Justin, Texas to our home in West Jordan, UT stopping only for gas. I was asleep but woke up when the door opened. I can not describe how comforting it was to have him home with me. Even though I had been sleeping, and Steve was exhausted and needed sleep, we talked and just enjoyed each other until about 6:00. Emotionally, I felt so relieved. Physically, I still hurt.
I hate the alarm. I always have but it is worse when I am sick. I have to make the decision to get out of bed and go to work when I feel that I need to stay home or stay home. Thursday, my bed won. I was comfortable enough that I wasn't in too much pain, as long as I didn't move. I had to get out of bed to use the bathroom and boy did I feel it. It wasn't a full attack but it was enough that I felt work was not a good thing for me that day. I called the office, went back to bed and slept until noon. Around 2:00 I felt I could handle a shower and it helped, for a moment. I crashed and went back to bed at 3:00. Steve woke me up at 6:00 for dinner and an appointment we needed to go to at 7:00 but I felt worse than I had all day. We got home at 8:00 and I went straight to bed.
Sleep did not come. By 9:00 I thought I might be in trouble and by 10:00 it was very clear that I was. Unfortunately for me, by this time Steve was asleep and due to his drive the previous day/night he was in no condition to skip sleep. He fell asleep mid-conversation. I called my mom for her medical opinion. I couldn't wait until Steve could get enough sleep to take me to the hospital so my dad took me. We got right in, literally. Within about 30-45 minutes of arriving at the hospital I was in having an ultrasound. By the time she was done with the ultrasound the morphine was really kicking in and I was starting to feel pretty good. When I got back to my room I finally had to really wait, but at this point I didn't care. I was loopy and grateful to be in that state. It felt good!
After about a half hour the doctor came in to give us the update. Because my pain was heading to the left side of my stomach they were somewhat concerned about my pancreas as well. Luckily, there were no signs of infection. They did find exactly what I expected, several gallstones. The largest was 1.7 cm in diameter. That is not a small stone! For perspective, that is the size of my thumbnail! He did say that other than the stones, which were the cause of the pain, my gallbladder looked good so I did not need emergency surgery. He referred me to a general surgeon to discuss my long term options and gave me prescriptions for Lortab and Toradol to manage any attacks I may have until I could see the doctor.
We left the hospital barely after 1:00 a.m. We were there just over 2 hours - a very quick visit! We stopped at Walgreen's on the way home to fill my prescriptions and I climbed right in bed. Steve was still not coherent. He chatted with me but was gone! I still felt good and slept quite well. This morning I called my boss and the office to give an update and informed them I would not be in. I needed to recouperate. Needless to say it has been an interesting week.
Overall, I am very relieved to know what is going on and that I have a direction to go. I meet with the general surgeon on Tuesday to go over my options. This knowledge brings a lot of light to past issues. Remember my vacation? Yeah, same thing. Christmas? Then too. I wish I figured it out sooner rather than later, but I know now.
And knowing is half the battle...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Warning! Honest and emotional update...
The past few weeks have been very emotional. Most days too much so for me to post anything. In case you didn't already know, things have not gone according to plan. The guy Steve had a written offer of employment with was an idiot and canceled every meeting they had scheduled for a week. After a week of not being able to do what he went there to do, he decided to look elsewhere. We felt that was the right thing to do and that we needed to continue working on getting us set up there.
I have asked Steve to write an update to how things are going because he can explain it so much better than I can...
Charlene asked me to write an update, so here it is.
Overall, I’m tired. I can’t seem to sleep anymore. I worry about making bills, keeping commitments and being away from Charlene. She tells me not to worry about that, but.. yeah, right. I think you all know better than that.
I interviewed for a job Friday (the 26th) and they really liked me. They are the first to take me for what I have to offer instead of where I’m from. If I get that one, I’ll stay. If not, I may come home.
I’m very homesick. This has been a massive trial of my patience, faith, trust and endurance. I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel so much pressure to get going here, coupled with having to learn a whole new area that I feel like I’m about to break. I don’t know how anyone just picks up and moves to an area with no job and just sets up shop without a lot of money. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I’m staying with my best friend. Even with him, his wife, infant daughter and his brother here I feel very much alone. Now, while I am convinced that’s why I’ve lasted this long, I think it’s also added to the stress. I didn’t realize how much real autonomy I had until I came here. Now, don’t get it twisted, I am grateful to them for the hospitality. I have it GOOD, but it’s about time to get out- even if I do stay here.
I’ve laid awake at night wondering why I came. I was so sure this was the right thing to do. I was so sure that this is where Charlene and I needed to be. Now I’m trying to figure out if it was inspired or if it was my own mind. If it was inspired, what was the point? Was it supposed to be me come out, get a job and have Charlene come out like we planned or was it supposed to be a pure trial for me? Was I supposed to come down for other reasons? Was it a combination of them all?
One day at a time.
So, I guess you could say that I’m coming full circle from my last update eh?
The good news is that despite all the trials I’ve had, I’ve come a long way. I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. My eyes have been opened quite a bit. Charlene and I have really come a long way as well. It’s been rough with the distance, but we’ve adjusted to that. I can’t wait to see her again though.
I learned a lot of what I’m made of. How much I’m really willing to go through for what I want. The problem with that is figuring out what it is I want. This trip cleared it up in a hurry. I would much rather be able to rely on myself if I can. No bed of roses, for sure, but at least I can trust my boss.
That reminds me, if any of you know of where to get business capital that’s NOT a loan, I’m all ears. Actually, I might consider a loan or investor if the deal is right, so send those too. Also, if any of you are good with fiberglass or know somebody who could teach me- it would help. Eventually I would like to produce several products of my own as well as distribute others that are in the same category, but it takes time to build it.
I’m reminded of the words of a song. It’s called “Until the End” by Breaking Benjamin. I guess it’s kind of how I feel about being here right now.
Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkbGzDWhcVw
Lyrics:
So clever, Whatever. I'm done with these endeavors. Alone I walk the winding way. (Here I stay)
It's over, No longer, I feel it growing stronger. I'll live to die another day, Until I fade away.
[Chorus:]
Why give up, why give in? It's not enough, it never is. So I will go on until the end. We've become desolate. It's not enough, it never is. But I will go on until the end.
Surround me, It's easy To fall apart completely. I feel you creeping up again. (In my head)
It's over, No longer, I feel it growing colder. I knew this day would come to end, So let this life begin.
[Chorus]
I've lost my way. I've lost my way, but I will go on until the end.
Living is hard enough Without you *beep* up.
[Chorus]
I've lost my way. I've lost my way, but I will go on until the end.
The final fight I'll win, The final fight I'll win, The final fight I'll win, But I will go on until the end.
Dad, how did you do it? How did you pick up, go and make it work so often? How did you deal with all the TDY’s, alerts and other time away. Add to that 20 years with one organization and I’m totally baffled. Granted, it was the military and I’m dealing with *beep* *beep* beepity beep* security companies and owner, but still. WOW!
Randy, I don’t know how you do it. How do you just seem to have undying patience and faith. That’s strength I can only dream about right now.
Scott, you inspire me. You have constantly picked yourself up by the bootstraps time and time again. You get knocked HARD but I’ve never seen you quit. You have the tenacity of a pitbull, but with intelligence and purpose. You have built yourself a nice life.
Dirk, I admire the strength and ‘testicular fortitude’ it took to just up and move across the country. Then you’re successful. You have done well for yourself. You keep yourself grounded and down to earth. I like that.
John, I admire the hell out of you, man. Talk about self made- humble about it too. Granted, you have the benefit of a college education, but still. That’s some DAMN hard work you’ve done.
Now, all of you have taught me something or inspired me in one or more ways. I look to you all as examples. I hope to pick up the right habits and become successful. I guess that’s why I’m here.
SO, I’m going to take things one day at a time until there is no more time I suppose. I know it sounds like I complained a lot, but it was more me just telling you how I’m feeling. It’s not a new thing in the world. I’m not wanting sympathy. Just…. Sharing.
So, there you go. That’s my update. Nobody ever said I was PC or positive all the time, but you can’t accuse me of not telling it like it is.
Ok, that’s all for me. Charlene’s gonna write some stuff now. Cheers.
Even though it has been rough, we have definitely had some good experiences. I feel that we are closer because of needing to rely so much on each other and God at the same time.
So, there you go. That is our update for now. I do have some fun stories to share, but that will have to come at another time.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Steve's journey, from his point of view
A lot of people have wondered why I went to Texas. Most of the questions were “why?” or “why Texas?” and my personal favorite “What the hell you wanna do somthin’ like that for?” Well, honestly, there are a lot of reasons. I’m not going to apologize; nor do I feel obligated to articulate myself to anyone but my wife and God, but I wish to address a few of the things that lead me to Texas.
It started June 2, 1999-the day I graduated from high school. It came to a head when I was working for the state. I was sick and tired of the bull associated with security and law enforcement- especially on military bases. I knew there was more. All the dishonesty, politics, fighting for paychecks, uncertainty in the field, dumb co-workers and, frankly, I’m tired of seeing so much pain all the time. People all carry it, but people in my profession see a lot more of it than most. It was rare for me to have a happy day. They were mostly all negative and I usually only saw the bad side of people. It turned my very callous and has turned me into a somewhat angry person. In short, I stopped caring about people. The job became more about babysitting stupid people than helping people. People were an annoyance to me.
SO, I went to commercial flight school, came back…and went back into field work. (stupid stupid stupid!)
Well, I got very sick of it very fast. Almost exactly one year ago, I had my bags packed and I THOUGHT I had an offer of employment. Then a little voice in my mind told me to double check. The person decided to change the deal and offered me HALF the pay and no other benefits. That’s when I got hooked up with the last company in Utah. (I won’t name them for now) I came on as the Security Manager. Three weeks in, I find out that the sites that we’re working are not ”in house” gigs after all like I had been told. They were straight on contracts. Once again, I got lied to and found out about it at 2am because an investigator from the state just raided one of our sites. I was not amused to say the least. It took several weeks of no pay and no work before the license got taken care of. I was looking for other work, but didn’t find it. The owner asked me to stay to make it work and I accepted.
So we got back to work. Back to security and teaching licensing classes. Then, like before, it was nothing but lies, half truths, dumb guards, annoying clients, paychecks that were 2-6 weeks LATE and getting ignored by the owner. Then, we lost all but one client and all at once. I was spared because I was teaching- the one part of the company actually making money… Until I, once again, didn’t get a paycheck (that I’m still fighting for!) Then the email came. A very unceremonious, demeaning, and condescending firing. After a year of busting my butt for him and getting the “loyalty” speech all the time, he fires me in an email and has an attitude about it. That was the second to last straw.
I second to last because, for me, when the last straw gets broken, I get physical. It has been a very long time since I’ve harmed somebody out of anger. However, the thought did pass my mind many a time more intense and vivid than I can recall ever in my life. There was one day I was convinced that I had to. ..umm…let’s just say I was intent on committing a felony. Thankfully, my better sense prevailed and it talked me out of it. Granted, I was moments from doing it, but I didn’t do it.
Now, why tell you that? I want you to understand my mind frame. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s part of why I came here. So, again, the question of why.
Illness and fatigue. I was sick and tired. Sick of dealing with dishonesty. Tired of not being able to pay my bills. Sick of working so hard for so little reward and tired of begging for money I’ve already earned. Sick of having to talk to my landlord and promising rent I didn’t know if I would get and tired of seeing Charlene hurting over it. Sick of the same thing for 10 years and tired of the attitudes of owners, managers and people in general. Sick of business owners preaching loyalty and tired of not getting it in return. Sick of being a nobody and tired of doing nothing with my life.
So, the opportunity came up to come to Texas. To change my location; To try something new; To work with my best friend; To really do something. You see, I didn’t know if I could. I remember how hard flight school was. I remember how hard going to New Orleans was, way back when. I was (am) very worried if I could make it and make this a success; nervous to see if I had what it takes to truly be successful.
So, you ask me why… because I need to. I need this. I need to know that I can do this. That when the time comes, I can get things done and handle business. I need to prove to myself that I wasn’t in the position I was in because of Utah. The opposite is also true; I want to prove some of why I am where I am is BECAUSE I was in Utah. I’m leaving that vague because there are several things on both ends for me and I want to keep them private.
Ya know, I never told him, but I really admired my youngest brother, Chris, for picking up and moving to Vermont with his Wife and Daughter. Granted, they have her family there, but that must have taken a lot of courage to do so. But since he has, I have seen the growth in him. I have witnessed his spiritual growth explode. I have witnessed him become a man and he has become one of my best friends, as are all my brothers.
Frankly, I want that. I think my growth was about as far as I could get for the moment there in Utah. Granted, we never truly stop growing and learning, but I feel mine was really stifled. I recognize and admit that it might be partly my fault that that was the situation, however, I would never do something to intentionally slow or stop my learning and progression. I am a proud person, but I promise I was not looking for fights (99% of the time anyway). There is no way I can possibly articulate to you all how it feels to wake up and wonder why God allowed me to do so; to wonder why I was here; to get out of bed every day and look forward to two things - seeing Charlene come home from work and going to bed…at 2 or 3 in the morning.
My parents, who seem to get smarter every day, taught me that there are two things you can do when faced with adversity. They said you can do nothing and be stuck or you can stand up and do something about it. I’m doing that something. I can’t sit anymore. I can’t just let things roll off my back and be nice. Now, I don’t want to go back to mean/angry Steve, but I can’t just stagnate - which is exactly what I had done.
I want to keep the promises I’ve made. I want to be the husband I said I would be to a wife who has never let me down and shown me never ending love, support and forgiveness when I fell short. God blessed me with one of his most choice daughters; the least I can do is take care of her like he expects me to. God has a way of taking things away from you when you don’t do that. I’d rather he not.
So, the road here was long and difficult; more so than I can articulate. I’m not whining; we all face trials. I’m not saying I’m a special case; there are others much worse off than me. I simply want you to get into the mindset that I have right now.
That said, the road to Texas was almost as long. Two days of driving. I got to bed Friday night at about 11pm, fell asleep about 12:45 and got up about 4:45. After some last minute car packing with Charlene and a very emotional goodbye, I was on the road at about 6am. I topped off my tank down the road from the house and got on I-15 south. I stopped in Payson for breakfast to go and got back underway. My route took me to Scipio, Moab, cut the corner of Colorado, then drop in New Mexico with a primary goal of Albuquerque for an overnight stay. Then from there I went through Amarillo, Wichita Falls and on in to Justin. I made it all the way to Moab on ¾ of a tank. I was pretty stoked. I stopped for fuel a few times in New Mexico and a twice in Texas. I know it sounds like a lot, but most of them were stops because I was down to half a tank and the next stop was out of the range left on my tank. I really didn’t spend that much on fuel.
New Mexico is probably my least favorite state in the union (California and other liberal states are a close second) and it reminded me why on the way down here. In Colorado, the speed limit out in BFE was 75. So, I’m cookin’ it down the highway and then there’s a big sign that says “Welcome to New Mexico” next to another one that says “Speed Limit 45”. We’re in the middle of the freaking desert folks. There is NOTHING out there. Zip. Zero. Ziltch. Nadda. Nill. So, after about 30 miles of that crap, the limit jumped up to 65. Ok, I can deal with that. Then suddenly, again 45 MPH. Then 70. Then 45. Then 30. Then 75. Then 35. Then 45. Then 30. Finally, I got ticked off and said “FINE! Give me a damn ticket! I am NOT going 30 MPH across this state!” Just as I said that, I looked up and there was a BIA police officer. I forgot, I’m in Indian territory and they like money. No wonder why the speed limits suck..it’s one giant speed trap. Glad I didn’t gun it like I was about to do.
I got into Albuquerque about 5pm. I have some friends stationed at Kirtland AFB there, so I visited with them for a couple of hours, but I was absolutely knackered from driving and was getting sick, so I chose to find a hotel; and it’s a good thing I did. I got in bed and a few hours later, I woke up with a sudden urge to pray to the porcelain god, which I did every 90 minutes or so. I tried to sleep, but I finally just gave up and decided I needed to hit the road.
Now, back to my mindset for a moment.
At this point (overnight), I hadn’t really slept well for nearly a month and I really hadn’t slept well after 11 hours of driving after sleeping for a few hours prior. My morale was, pardon the pun, in the toilet. I damn near turned around and went home. I thought to myself “What kind of idiot does this? What the hell am I doing going to Texas? I belong at home in Utah with my wife. This is dumb!”
I called Charlene and told her how I was feeling. She, in true Charlene fashion, told me not to. That she believed in me and that this IS the right thing to do. She tried to make me promise her that I would just go, but she settled for me promising not to make a decision until I had slept and wasn’t emotionally and physically drained.
One LONG talk with God, a few cat naps and a few sprints later, I decided to press on.
I got my guns back in the car, got my GPS running, made sure I had my road atlas set to the right page, had my waypoint instructions (I did mapquest in waypoints) out, got my key card turned in, topped off the tank and hit the road while it was still dark. An hour later, my eyes were stinging from exhaustion. I cranked up my A/C and my radio (actually found a cool classic rock station) and kept going.
I’ve talked about how much I dislike New Mexico, but that sunrise was like nothing I have ever seen before. I noticed it as I crested a hill. It happened to be an area that was pretty flat below where I was, slightly hazy and foggy but horizon as far as I could see. The colors of deep red, purple, green, grey, orange and yellow all mixed to create a sight that I doubt I will ever forget. It was gorgeous. At that moment, I felt God. I feel like I was looking at a painting that he had finished and placed there so I could see it. I know it sounds corny, but it was religious. I wish I had stopped and taken a picture. No words could do it justice.
I got in to Amarillo at about 9am. By this time, my stomach had calmed some so I figured maybe now was a good time to eat. I topped off the tank and got some food in my stomach (to go, of course) and it seemed to help. However, I was having a hard time keeping the eyelids open, so in my infinite (deliriously tired) wisdom, I decided to pick up the pace. (no, not the salsa and not that Pace. I did that 7 years ago!) There were points on US-287 between Wichita Falls and Justin that I was over 110 MPH because I KNEW I was getting close to the end of my endurance. Not the smartest or safest thing to do, especially tired, but it helped me make up some of the time from sleeping overnight.
As I was getting into Justin, Mike (best friend, who I’m staying with) called me and told me that he was heading to the store, so I just met him there. It was nice to see him again; and to stand up. I had, after all, just been in the car for nearly 2 straight days. I was anxious to get parked though, so we got here, relaxed for a minute, then unpacked the car. I went to bed that night (Sunday) and slept solid for 11 hours. It was the first time in quite a while that I really rested. It was nice.
So, now the journey begins. Time to put my money where my mouth is and make this work. If I can pull it off, Charlene will join me by Halloween. If not, I’m coming home…but don’t expect me back yet. I’m not sold that I’m not crazy for coming here, but I’m going to really give it a go.
I hope I answered some questions. If I didn’t, oh well. I just wanted to give you some insight so maybe, just maybe, you can see where I’m at in life from my perspective. I’m tired and already more home sick than I was at flight school, but I’m pushing. I want to be able to hold my head up and say I accomplished something real in life. I want to be able to look certain people in the eye and say “I did it. I kept my promises.” I love Charlene and want to be near her, but I want her to come here and I want to be able to say “Hun, look at the life I’m carving out for us here. I did it this far, but I want to do the rest with you.”
And that is the point of coming to Texas.
Monday, September 8, 2008
A softer side of Steve
I have really been having fun on the computer tonight. I just wanted to share a few recent pictures of Steve that I LOVE!
Those blue eyes get me...frequently!
He looks so innocent. How can you resist this face?I love you Steve!
A whole lot of randomness...
I have several thoughts running through my mind right now. Can't say that this post is going to make much sense of anything but it is what you are going to get. I'm in the mood to tell stories.
Randomness #1
I don't post daily or even on a real regular basis but I definitely have blogs that I read daily. I come home from work, check my email, download my games (I am a junkie!) and rotate through the blogs. Some of them post nearly every day, some a lot less than me. But I get to catch up on stories from family and friends and some people I really don't know but for some reason I just really enjoy reading them. I don't comment often but know this, I read them, I love them! Often, I think about posting something and then decide I don't have the mental energy to do so. "I'll post later" I think. Yeah right.
As you can see, I did a pretty major overhaul. I've been wanting to do it for a while but again, lack of mental energy and "I'll do it later". I think the biggest problem is I do a lot of creative stuff at work and I don't want to do anymore by the time I get home. Now that it is done I think you are stuck with this layout for a while. The good news is, Steve loves it. Go me!
Randomness #2
Several weeks ago I was babysitting Zack for Amanda and Aaron while they went on a date. I had a few people come over and visit during that time and we all decided we were hungry. We piled in Steve's car, it fits several people and the booster seat better than my beetle, and went off to find dinner. Because of my silly and annoying dietary needs we ran to a few different places. But that is not the point. The point is we were in Steve's car. Steve has very eclectic taste in music. He has so many playlists put together on cds in his car it isn't funny. No really, it's not. They aren't labeled well, or aren't labeled at all. He frequently asks me to put a cd in while we are driving and when I put something in I have no idea what is going to play. Well, whatever was in that day was fine for my mood so we left it. The next thing I know we are listening to "Ice, Ice Baby" and Zack is mimicing right along. We all laughed so hard! He really loved that song.
The part about this that I love the most is this. We taught him to respond with "Ice, Ice Baby" any time we say "vanilla". When mom and dad came to pick him up he was dead asleep. I was afraid by this time that he would have forgotten but I really wanted them to hear it so I gave it a chance. He remembered and responded even though he was barely awake and it was so cute! He still responds, right on cue. Simple minds, simple pleasures.
Randomness #3
I have too many projects to work on. I just barely finished an afghan last night that I started 3 years ago. Too my defense, it was not an easy one. I had to change colors after every single row. That is a lot of color changing and working in ends. I could only take so much of it before I just had to put it down, for a long time. Well, I recently got a request for an afghan and decided it was not fair to start that one until I had finished this one that is long over due. It is a gift. A wedding gift. They celebrate 3 years this month. Again, in my defense, they eloped and we didn't have advance notice so it was started after they got married. I know, poor excuse. But, it is finished now and I can move on.
Now if only I can finish the 2 cross-stitch projects in progress, the ceremics I need to paint to complete my Christmas village and all the other miscellaneous projects I have I'll be in good shape. Of course if I got all that done the sky might actually fall.
It has officially begun...
For those of you who already know, this is an update. For those of you who don't know, here is our latest news. For over a year, Steve has been working toward a specific job opportunity in Texas. He finally got it and left Saturday to go start working. He will be staying with our friends, Mike and Sarah, until I am able to move down. He drove by himself and was very nervous about the drive, but he made it safe this afternoon.
We are giving it 2 weeks before I give my notice at to allow time to make sure everything is going to work out well and then it will be another few weeks before we make the actual move so it will be mid-October before it happens. We both have very mixed emotions but we have been working on this for quite some time and we are excited to see what will happen.
Please consider us in your thoughts and prayers, especially Steve as he is away from home and in a new, somewhat scary situation.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Baptisms
This baptism towel is to help remind you of your baptism day all the years through.
Mikey posing at dinner. He's copying dad!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Life
Okay, I really can't believe it has been as long as it has since I have posted anything. There have been several events that I have thought about posting and then did not.
I truly apologize. It's time to come clean.
Frankly, I have been emotionally elsewhere. Last month I went to the doctor for a physical (I hadn't had one in about 2 1/2 years). I got some less than desirable results. My pap smear came back abnormal, as high-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (HSIL) to be exact.
"HSIL stands for high-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion. High-grade means the cells are very different from normal cells. These cells are usually precancerous and are more likely to lead to cervical cancer. Your doctor will probably perform a colposcopy to determine how at risk you are for cancer." www.familydoctor.org
Since I went to my family physician he suggested I see a gynecologist for further testing. I didn't have one. I had fired my last one, LONG story, and had not yet found another. This was one of the reasons I hadn't had a physical for so long. Due to my myriad of issues, I decided to call my insurance to see if there was one they could recommend that might have experience with my particular issues. The doctor they referred me to happens to be a D.O., Doctor of Osteopathy. This is a plus in my book as D.O.s are trained to look at a whole body perspective and tend to accept natural options quicker than many other doctors.
Long story, short version, my appointment was last week on Monday. I had a colposcopy, which basically entails the doctor using a few different dyes to help any issues show up and using a microscope to see them. If there are any issues, a biopsy is done. Steve went with me and we left with no biopsy done and the doctor describing my cervix as "pink, pretty and perfect". A bit of an odd description, but I guess compared to what it could look like it must be accurate. We were somewhat relieved and encouraged but knew I was not out of the woods yet. He said the edge looked like there might be an issue he couldn't see so he took a scraping, basically a pap smear on steroids, to double-check.
Today I received my results. I am clear. No signs of any abnormal cells. I don't know how my original test showed such scary abnormalities but there isn't any now. Another medical disaster averted!
So, there is my reason for not posting for 3 weeks. Take it or leave it. I might just be up to catching up from the last month. I've got some good stuff...at least I think so.
